Hubs and I are shootin the breeze and looking for a place to eat in Phoenix at 9pm. It's rarely ever a nice temperature anymore, but this night is nice. I put my window down as we continue chatting. All of a sudden, I hear a loud buzzing noise. I turn down the radio and ask hubs if he hears it. He says no and I, of course, think he's crazy. It continues until I can't take it anymore. I put the window up and listen carefully. Then it hits me...
There's a fricken bug IN MY EAR!!!! (crawling around, scratching the insides of my earian walls with its fuzzy legs) The lil B is swirling in there making a love nest. I immediately start screaming and tell him to pull over. The little bastard's wings are so noisy and bothersome I come up with the novel idea of suffocating him to death. We pull over to a CVS and I buy a bottle of skin toner (hey, it has alcohol in it and it's functional, right?) and Q-tips*. (*Q-tips are actually a brand name, I know, I know.) I put it in hoping to cease the fluttering and later play Taps, but the lil bugger lives on. Apparently, all I did was piss him off, royally!
I can't take it and I'm screaming bloody murder because there's a LIVE INSECT in my ear, so hubs gets the idea to go to Urgent Care. I go, reluctantly, and try to act sane in the waiting area. The peaceful receptionist says, "Is it dead?" I'm like, "Look lady, there's an insect probably digging his way into my brain and making a home as we speak. HELP!" She replies so nonchalantly, "Want a cottonball?"
I sit and waiting takes forever. Five minutes past and I'm far from pretending anymore. Every little wing flutter sounds so disgusting, I know my ear is full of baby eggs just waiting to hatch. I finally get called in for triage. Damn, no one cares to look. I am about to go and buy tweezers to get this B out myself.
I must've looked psychotic constantly getting up and dancing around, but imagine an insect in your body. YOU know it's there setting up camp while the RN tells you, "You know it won't crawl into your brain. It just tickles." Ugh!
I'm sitting there, getting no sympathy from hubs when I fake a faint. I was far too exhausted to cause more of a scene and cry, so I lay my heads on hubs' shoulders and close my eyes...trying to will the B out. Finally, I hear it hit the cottonball in my ear. I take it out and tell hubs to watch and see if it'll come out and what it looks like (his only task). Lo and behold the creature comes out; I actually feel it leaving my ear canal (no note, no goodbye text). I ask hubs if it is a beetle with pinchers and he says, "What? Oh, you meant watch now?" He smashes something on my ear. Beetle-ish. I go to the receptionist for a "thanks, no thanks", but she tells me to wait anyway.
I go in. Nada. The lil B split. I AM A SURVIVOR!!
