Ugh, CATS!

Sometimes I go back and forth about having pets. Turns out I'm one of two people in the world that likes cats. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like a cat lady and go around with an old shopping cart collecting cats. But, I can't leave a feral kitty without feeding it or leaving a treat behind. I like cats. My brother has a cat he can call and it jumps into bed with him. Not mine. Mine are sassy. Several incidences that happened this week lead me to believe I have the worst cats on earth...or I'm an extremely bad parent: #1: I come home to water all over the bathroom floor. I think it's a leak but later find the water dish knocked over and little watery paw prints out the door. #2: Snags in our brand new bedding. It looks like Freddie Kruger clawed strips in the sheets. #3: Woke up to a sharp pain in my arm. Swore it was a scorpion sting, but found a cat claw (an actual claw) stuck in my arm. It was left in the bed for some odd reason. (Don't even ask how it got there) #4: Come home to find Cookie on our new leather couch.....CLAWING THE BACK!!!!! I shoo him away and cry about it, call husband... and said cat returns 30 minutes later to finish the job. I yell and he splits...leaving behind a claw IN the arm of the couch. #5: Find cat hairs in the pots and pans. But how? They can't open cabinets!?! Yes, these cats have hidden opposable thumbs. #6: Nearly fall to my death from, not one-but both cats fleeing before me down the stairs. Who were they expecting? Bad kitties. I have no clue what to do...